BIPOLAR II CHRISTIANS
Hello and welcome to Bipolar II Christians, thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you for trying to serve our Lord Jesus.
My name is Curtis Vinson and I am a Bipolar II Christian who has struggled all my life to serve my Lord and Savior Jesus. It is my intent to bring as much helpful information to others regarding this disease and to give hope to other Christians effected.
My Story:
I was 21 when I asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins and to come into my life as Lord and Savior in 1986. It's been 26 years of serving and failing and serving and failing and serving. It's been 26 years of the highest of heaven and the lowest of hell. 26 years of my heart being torn into pieces because I loved the Lord so much and could feel my will change and knew that soon I would once again slip into the abyss of sin.
I remember the all nights of prayer, the tears I would shed, weeping and begging God to not let me go, because I could feel "The little green Monster" coming to take me from him. "Please keep me Father! Abba Father please keep near you...I beg you Father to keep me and not let me slip away!" Yet, I would slip into the hands of darkness, and there is no straddling the fence with me. I can not be Luke warm, and I will not be a hypocrite, better to serve Satan than to spew lies about my feelings for God. That's how I felt....and for me to live life in any way that was not Gods will was to serve Satan.
When I was "feeling good", I remember studying on my knees with three or four reference Bibles and highlighters. Digging deep into the word looking for the keys to the kingdom. On Fire For Christ...buddy I was shinning bright as the noon day sun, and then I would stand on the edge of light and darkness with no hope at all.
I felt weak, and ashamed of my walk with God. When I would walk away from God, Pastors would give me all the scriptures to keep me and friends would do everything to understand.....then they would let me go, as I would soon hate them and myself. Tormented!!! I can't tell you how much torment a person with Bipolar II feels.....we are perfectionist, we are very intelligent and very determined to do what ever is put before us. Let me give you an example:
When I was 22 I ran a 40 man crew as Superintendent of a Construction company that built malls. When I was 34 I owned 5 companies, one of which did business in 32 states and a weekly payroll of $400,000 +, another in 5 states and was a single parent of 5 children and one being handicap. When I was 46, I had been married 3 times, lost my children, lost my companies, had a nervous breakdown and became homeless! I almost committed suicide twice in the year after my last marriage, because I came to a place where I knew no matter what I did, I was doomed to repeat my life cycles and it would be more insane to try to re-merge with society than to remain a crazy homeless man.
Torment!! fills the life of a Bipolar person....We do not forget our highs when we are low, but we do forget our lows when we are high. I was told when I was 26 or so that I was Bi-Polar and put on Lithium, but it made me feel dead inside and I stopped taking it. Why would I stop when I knew what my life was? Because part of being Bipolar is that our emotional feeling at the moment is all that we understand, and not to have any emotions is death. Well...it took me 26 years of dying over and over that provoked me to take my meds no matter what, because if I didn't do something I would die, and I knew it because I simply do not have the strength to fight the extreme lows anymore.
Now, I've been on Lithium for one month and the "Zombie" stage seems to be passing and my mind has become more clear than any time in my life. I get more accomplished now than I ever did before because I can hold one thought unto completion and organize my time and mind where before it was like trying to get a drink out of a fire hose.
Please allow me to encourage everyone who is reading this to be patient with yourself and/or those who suffer from being Bipolar. You may not know that a person is Bipolar, so be patient with those who are on fire one day and gone the next....they may suffer from a terrible disease and have no control, or very little. If you are Bipolar, please let me know and I will pray for you....I will truly pray for you.
I'd have to write a book to give justice to my testimony and to describe exactly what happens to a person who suffers from Bipolar II. All I know is that I think that my meds are truly going to work because I am so stable and feel so clear now. There is hope my dear Bipolar friend....please, know that God does love you and he does care that you are slipping into the abyss. I can say this because after 26 years of Loving Jesus, Hating Jesus, Blaming God and repenting again...after all these years My God is still here....He has kept his promise....He has never left me nor forsaken me.
Father, please forgive me of all my sins....a lifetime of sins. Thank you for your Mercy in my life. Thank you for allowing me to continue to come home to you. Thank you for your Son Jesus....my true love. Please, Abba Father help all those with conditions that pull them away from you...Please Father help us all to serve you once again with all our heart, leaning not to our own understand. My God to serve you with all my heart is all I have ever wanted to do....have mercy and make me into the man you created me to be!
In Jesus Name.....Amen!
